The Sick Call

Medium shot of two men talking.  There is a still of dogs playing poker behind them.

Sam:  Good party last night?

Tommy: Really good party.  I couldn’t leave; I would never have forgiven myself.  So I said to myself “Fuck it, Self, sick days are my right.  Getting hammered on a Tuesday is my right.”   Besides, I was on my fourth pint and could already smell at least one Irish car bomb in my future.

Sam:  Ugh.

Tommy:  You said it.  There is no way I was going to go to work after that.  So I found a nice quiet little corner in the bar –

Sam:  The bathroom?

Tommy:  Exactly.   And I took a shot of whisky just before calling, and put on my best ‘I’m sick and I have to stay home’ voice and left what I believe was a very convincing message.  And then I hung up and took a victory shot.

Sam:  Well, that’s not so bad.

Tommy:  Yeah, but then I realized that I hadn’t mentioned which department I work in.

Sam:  Oh man.

Tommy:  So I called back again.  Mustered up another sick voice (which I’m sure was more of a tummy-ache voice than the sore-throat I had gone for previously).

Sam: And?

Tommy:  This time I forgot to mention my name.

Sam (impressed):  Good party.

Tommy (nodding in agreement):  Really good party.

Sam:  So, what?  You called back again?

Tommy:  You know it.

Sam:  Classy.

Tommy:  It took a few tries, a few more shots, a few slurred words and panicky hang ups but I finally left a coherent message with my name and department.   I even tried to  pause strategically and use some dude’s puking in a way that it made it sound like it was me.

Sam:  Ambitious.

Tommy:  Yep, got off to a rocky start but I nailed it in the end.

Sound of a water cooler.  Shot pans out to show they are in the office.

Tommy:  Except then I blacked out, forgot I called in sick and came in to work today anyway.

Sam:  Ouch.

Tommy:  Totally.   On the plus side, I got a promotion.  The big boss said he had received an inordinate number of sick calls and was so impressed that, when I woke up feeling a little bit better, I came in to work anyway despite calling in sick.  ‘That’s dedication, son,’ he said, “I wish more young men could behave like you.”   I did everything I could to smile  and not puke on his desk.

Sam:  Good party.

Tommy:  Really good party.

Pause.

Tommy:  Now, get back to work.  We’re not paying you to spend your day gossiping by the water cooler.

Tommy chugs the water in is dixie cup, spikes it into the trash bin, straightens his tie and saunters off to his office nearly knocking over the man painting THE BOSS on his door with an over-zealous back slap.  Sam looks bewildered.

Sam:  Why don’t I ever get invited to parties like that?