You may want to sit down before reading this.

Dear readers,

We, the Napkin Writers, have an important announcement. Now, if you’re anything like us, a person doesn’t even get to the end of the word ‘announcement’ before you’ve yelled out “you’re pregnant!” regardless of age or gender. Well, in this instance, you would be right. You’ve read correctly, one of the Napkin Writers has a little bun in the oven that will soon become the source of inspiration for many future sketches. Hopefully one about weird baby Halloween costumes (ex. a radish, Yoda or (squueeee!!) a miniature Lieutenant Columbo).

Until then, the other Napkin Writer wanted to offer some valuable advice because she knows that all moms-to-be love receiving often contradictory tips without asking for them.

1. Child-proof your cabinets.
You never know when your toddler will crawl into your lower level kitchen cabinet left open by dad and accidentally close it behind them. And unlike Moby (one of the Napkin Writer’s beautiful Persian feline*) your baby will not meow in order for you to be able to triangulate the sound. They may just fall asleep in there. And trust us, you will not think of looking in the kitchen cabinets when you lose your baby.

2. Don’t let Jr. sleep in your bed.
You might roll over their tail during the night and wake up to a very angry cat. I mean baby.

3. Don’t give your infant table food.
They’ll get used to it and won’t want to go back to their own food. Next thing you know, you’ll have to lock your baby in the bathroom in order to eat your chicken in peace.

4. Be careful when your baby meets a new baby.
They might be aggressive and hiss at each other at first but once they’ve established who the dominant baby is, things will fall into place.

5. Sometimes your child will regurgitate.
It’s normal. Brushing your baby daily may help.

Disclaimer: this advice may be based on owning a cat and never having owned a baby.

As you may recall, the Napkin Writers routinely found their inspiration in the form of local brews. This of course will no longer be possible for the next few months as sparkling water and natural fruit juices will be the new nectars of choice. Perhaps our sketches will have a new healthy spin or start taking yoga.

With that said, this blog will not be going to the way of many a cool blog out there that suddenly, overnight, has transformed into a collection of  daily anecdotes about little Stevie’s potty training including pictures that will make poor little Stevie’s future therapist a very rich lady.  In fact, we vow, here and now, that our blog will never (NEVER!) become “Notes on a Nappy: what were we thinking”.

But there will probably be poop jokes.

Cheers.
The Napkin Writers

* Moby the beautiful Persian feline – an adequate replacement for the illegible napkin that would normal adorn this page, don’t you think?

Stay tuned for some hilarious sketches about advice…and very possibly more photos of Moby.  Just because.

The Knitting Company’s best Christmas party ever.

Six people sit around a table in a room. From the bad decorations and white board on the wall, we can assume it is a conference room in an office. The person who seems to be in charge speaks first.

Ms. Thomson: Okay, we’ll start, welcome everyone. Thank you all for volunteering to be a part of our party committee. I hope that at the end of this meeting, we will have a theme for our annual Christmas party. So a few ground rules – there are no bad ideas, ok? So we can respect everyone’s input and everyone gets a say. Also, every person here is allowed one veto, so if there is an idea that you really don’t want to get behind, you can veto it. No need to explain why, just say ‘veto.’ Apart from that, think of it as one big brainstorming session. All right, here we go!

Darren: Um, how about we do like a UFC theme? Like, we can have different rings around the warehouse and people just go in and fight who they want.

Cheryl: Yeah. Well, I’m not crazy about it that’s for sure! Laughs

Darren: Are you vetoing it?

Cheryl: I don’t think it’s wise to use my veto so soon in the game… You know just in case a big stinker comes around! Laughs

Darren: Ok, well if you don’t like UFC, maybe we could do a karate kid theme and there could be a bunch of rings around the warehouse…

Cheryl: And people go around fighting each other?

Darren: Yeah!

Ms. Thomson: Maybe we could stay away from violence…

Diane: What if it was a slumber party? And we could all be in our pyjamas?

Darren: And then people could pillow fight each other!

Bill: Well, I hate to be the party pooper but some of us sleep naked –

Rita: Interrupts Bill Veto!

Bill: Laughs Made you use your veto!

Rita: Damn!

Everyone laughs at Rita.

Ms. Thomson: Ok, so maybe like a carnival?

Darren: Veto! Carnival monkeys steal stuff – I’m one step ahead of you.

Diane: You know I wonder what theme the marketing firm across the street are having for their party…

Cheryl: I don’t know, but I bet it’s super cool.

Rita: Everyone who works there is like a model. Looking inside their office is like flipping the pages of a GQ or Vogue magazine.

Bill: They must give away a bunch of awesome gadgets at their party.

Darren: I bet they all do mixed martial arts… I wish I could go.

Diane: Me too..

Ms. Thomson: Hey! Come on guys, we can have a great party too! We just need to think of a super cool theme!

Cheryl: So what if we went with something simple; like cats –

Everyone: Interrupting Cheryl VETO!

Cheryl: You can’t have two vetos Rita.

Rita: Didn’t even need it.

Diane: Hey, I know what our theme could be: The Marketing Firm Across the Street!

Ms. Thomson: What?

Cheryl: Oh my god, that’s a brilliant idea! Then we can all pretend we work at the marketing firm!

Rita: I’m going to pretend my phone is an iPhone and text all night!

Bill: I’m going to wear a thin tie!

Darren: I’m going to pretend I have six girlfriends!

Diane: I’m going to pretend I have a pied-à-terre apartment in Paris!

Cheryl: I’m going to pretend I speak Japanese! Konichiwa!

Ms. Thomson: You all want to do this?

Everyone: YES!

Ms. Thomson: And you think the whole office will like this idea?

Everyone: YES!

Ms. Thomson: All right then, ‘The Marketing Firm Across the Street’ it is.

Bill: It’s going to be the best party ever!

Meanwhile at the marketing firm across the street.

Tyler: So what’s the theme for the Christmas party this year?

Skyler: I think it’s ‘Cats.’

Tyler: Oh my god, that’s amazing.

Skyler: Meow!

The Grooming Appointment

Margot walks into a pet grooming establishment with a cat in a pet travelling cage. She walks up to the counter where a young woman, Nancy, is sitting at a computer. Margot places the cage on the counter with the opening facing her.

Nancy: Hello!

Margot: Hi, I have a grooming appointment.

Nancy: Yes, Margot at 11 o’clock?

Margot: Yes, but the appointment is for my cat.

Nancy: laughs Of course! Ok. I just need some information for the file. It’s your first time?

Margot: Well, yes, I’ve never been groomed but like I said, the appointment is for my cat.

Nancy: Yes, I meant it’s your cat’s first time?

Margot: No.

Nancy: But I don’t have a file here for you… It is your first time coming here right?

Margot: Yes.

Nancy: mumbles That’s what I was asking…

Margot: Excuse me?

Nancy: Oh nothing. So this is a domestic cat?

Margot: Yes. Turns the cage so Nancy can see the cat inside.

Nancy: Oh but this is a Persian cat.

Margot: Yes. I thought you were asking whether or not it is a wild cat.

Nancy: No, I meant domestic in the sense of not having a particular breed.

Margot: You mean like a bastard cat?

Nancy: Well, all cats are bastards since their parents aren’t married, right?

Margot: Yes, cats cannot get married.

Nancy: Yet! Laughs

Margot: Is that a comment on the gay marriage laws?

Nancy: No! It was just a joke…

Margot: It was offensive.

Nancy: I’m really sorry you were offended. It really wasn’t my intention. Pause Ok! Back to the cat! So yes, domestic is used loosely just to mean that the cat is probably mixed-breeds or just any old street cat.

Margot: My cat is not a street cat. I would say that it’s more of a couch or lap cat.

Nancy: So this is an indoor cat?

Margot: Yes. Except when it goes outside.

Nancy: Ok. So is the cat spayed?

Margot: No.

Nancy: Oh so are you hoping to have her mate and have kittens?

Margot: My cat cannot have kittens.

Nancy: So she is spayed?

Margot: No. My cat was not born with ovaries.

Nancy: So your cat is male?

Margot: Yes.

Nancy: Was he castrated then?

Margot: Yes.

Nancy: All right. So how will you be paying today, cash or debit?

Margot: No.

Nancy: I’m sorry?

Margot: I will not be paying with cash or a debit card.

Nancy: So…credit?

Margot: Yes.

Nancy: Ok. Can I have your card?

Margot: Yes. She takes the card and gives it to her.

Nancy: Processes the transaction. So do you want to stay with the cat while he’s getting groomed?

Margot: No. My partner will come pick him up when you’re done with him.

Nancy: Do you want us to call her?

Margot: Who?

Nancy: Your partner?

Margot: My partner is a man.

Nancy: Oh, I’m sorry I just thought because of before… Anyway, do you want us to call him to let him know when the cat is ready?

Margot: You can just call my partner when the cat has been groomed regardless of if it’s ready to leave.

Nancy: sighs Yes… Of course. Ok, well we’re all done here. Gives her back the credit card. We’ll take good care of the cat.

Margot: And you will groom him?

Nancy: Yes we will groom him.

Margot:  Thank you.

Nancy: Thank you, have a good day. Margot leaves. Nancy looks at the cat inside the cage. You have no idea how lucky you are that you don’t have to talk to her.